Not Gonna Die
by 2theSky
Summary: Cyrus' comments on free will get stuck in Beck's head... at the worst times.


_**"Do you believe in free will? Yeah, me neither."**_

Beck shook his head and groaned. He'd been trying desperately to reach sleep mode; the combination of the burning in his wrists and Cyrus' droning on and on about there being no such thing as free will were making his head throb.

_**"No one on the Grid chooses their destiny... until now."**_

"Shut up," Beck hissed, biting his lip as the pain in his wrists got worse. It had been... how long had it been? A hilocycle? Something like that... it had been probably more than forty cycles since he'd first ran into Cyrus...

so why were his wrists like this now?

They felt like they were on fire, like someone was trying to saw through his wrists with their disc and it wasn't working... He bit his lip to keep from screaming in pain and waking up Zed or Mara or anyone else. They were already mad at the Renegade for Able's death just a cycle ago... he didn't need them mad at Beck, too.

_**"Look at him, panicking. He's failed you, just like he's failed THEM."**_

Beck sighed, his eyes watering from the pain; he didn't need to bother anyone. The pain would probably pass. The scarred and mangled code had throbbed and ached before. It would probably pass. Maybe if he could get his mind on something else...

_**"Even my pre-recorded hologram finds you predictable..."**_

Okay... thinking about Cyrus it was.

So... free will... or fate...

Beck realized he'd never answered the question that Cyrus had asked- did he believe in free will? Or... didn't he? "For a lunatic, you sure brought up some decent points," Beck muttered twisting onto stomach and pressing his burning wrists into his cool pillow, the hardness of his bed not helping his sleeping situation any; he felt his circuits flicker; he really needed the sleep...

But... what did he believe?

_**"No one chooses their destiny..."**_

Well, you could though... right? Beck nodded to himself, the mental debate beginning.

But... programs still mess stuff up. They can't choose to be perfect... Fate? Beck shrugged, burying his face in his pillow.

Could fate and free will co-exist? That was probably the question Cyrus hadn't thought of...

Beck sighed and closed his eyes, his lip starting to crack open from the pressure of biting it to keep from screaming again. The blue code trickled into his mouth and onto his pillow; he didn't feel the pain from how hard he was biting his lip over the pain in his wrists.

Wait.. so what was this? He frantically tried to get his mind off the pain, hoping his attempts wouldn't be futile. His wrists getting destroyed... what was it?

Well... it was Cyrus' choice to strap him to the chair...

and it wasn't like he could know that taking a detour to get Able's errand done would end like this...

so... both?

Beck finally couldn't think straight anymore. He panted into the pillow, hoping no one heard him at all. There was no need to bother anyone with a problem that was his and his only.

No need to-

Free will. His choice to say nothing.

So there was free will.

Beck smirked slightly at the thought before the pain overwhelmed him and he blacked out, Cyrus' ugly smirk and the hatred-drenched glimmer in his eyes the last thing his mind let him see.

...

**"This is how it feels when you're bent and broken. This is how it feels when your dignity's stolen..."  
**

...

Beck groaned and opened his eyes. His wrists were still aching, but not on fire.

That was a plus.

He sat up, everything spinning. What... why was he so weak? Why-

Beck gasped. His pillow, the blankets, the bed, even the floor- all soaked in light blue code...

He stared at his wrists. They'd bled out coding... that's why they burned so bad.

Great...

"How... how do I fix this?!" He muttered, hoping and wishing that fate or free will or whatever it was when they combined would let no one come in his room; he wasn't sure what would happen if someone did, but it probably wouldn't be anything good.

"Hey, Beck! You there?"

No... Zed was at the stupid door. he couldn't see this! He couldn't!

"Beck?"

And Mara... Mara was there.

If they saw this...

Beck closed his eyes, bracing for the sound of the door sweeping open; he knew it was coming. They'd see the code splattered everywhere. They'd ask questions. They'd find out-

"Hey, Beck! You can unlock the door!"

Wait... what?

Beck stared at the door as it shook, the handle turning under Zed's hands. "Wish I knew the code..." Zed muttered.

But...

after gaping at the door, shocked beyond belief, Beck finally realized Zed had given up trying to open the door. Him and Mara were gone... and probably furious at him now...

but that wasn't why he was so shocked.

The door...

he never locked it.

Beck fell back on the bed, barely breathing from the shock. That... that was fate.

...

**"When everything you love is leaving, you hold on to what you believe in..."**

...

Another... long day...

Beck stared at his bed and smirked. No pillow; no blanket; no coded sheets.

Just... just the hard slab.

He looked down and sighed at the shreds of his blanket wrapped around his wrists; he'd stuffed torn up strips of the soiled thing in his locker. He stared at the bare walls of his room and the bed. He bed was smaller than a closet. And it was empty. Everyone else had light posters of the club's local band, or holographs of them and their friends plastered everywhere.

Him?

He had an old picture from Able's locker, Tron's disc, Bodhi's recoding tool, and a ripped up blanket-

all in his locker.

Beck sat on his bed and sighed again as he saw blue peeking through the makeshift bandages already... oh well. No sheets to destroy this time.

Maybe he'd sleep tonight.

And maybe Cyrus wouldn't show up in his thoughts...

...

**"This is how it feels when you take your life back. This is how it feels when you finally fight back. When life pushes me, I push harder. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger..."**

* * *

_-first off: any typos, my fault. i apologize. i'm sorry :(_

_okay, so... i wrote this right after my debate in reading class. (long story short, the other kids in my class who were watching the debate really don't like me, and the verdict was a stalemate... just because i was a part of it. and there was other stuff along with the blasted debate, so... i feel like crap right now.)_

_sorry for the negativity... i'll shut up now so i don't annoy anyone._

_lyrics from Skillet "Not Gonna Die"_

_God bless! :)_


End file.
